I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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