What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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