Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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