found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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