I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
