I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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