Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have aggressive nipples.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
