wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
