i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you will always have a special place in my vag
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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