we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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