is your mom at the bar?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
