Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
