dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
