the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
