u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
