I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
