I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
