Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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