I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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