The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
