just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
