Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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