Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
