walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
