Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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