Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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