the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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