life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
