I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
this is an emotional support booty call
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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