Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
