God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
