she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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