so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
