my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
