Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize