I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
