ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
