Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
