I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
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I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage