Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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