Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
