At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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