I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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