Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So apparently I’m into choking now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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