Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
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after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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