come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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