words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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