i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
