I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
