All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
