So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
