I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
