update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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