I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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