John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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