he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
