Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
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Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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