I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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