Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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