just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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