Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
