ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
