happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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