Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I could fuck to npr.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
