What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
