Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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