Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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